A PIECE OF HEART

If you think that charm bracelets were reintroduced by some Gen Zers diving deep into the aughts, you might be surprised by the longevity charms have had throughout history. The first records of charms can be dated back to ancient Egypt, where they were used against evil spirits and bad luck, but also as symbolic signs of status and identification for the afterlife. The symbolic and superstitious meaning of charm bracelets changed in the Victorian Era. Introduced as luxurious fashion items, they came as elaborately designed pieces, miniature lockets holding precious souvenirs.

Queen Victoria, who played a major role in the popularity of the charm bracelet, had several that held sentimental and affectionate value. One of the most exceptional is her heart bracelet, each heart containing a lock of one of her nine children. In the 1950s and 60s, charm bracelets became the craze again, with famous movie stars wearing them like Elizabeth Taylor and Grace Kelly, becoming especially popular with teenagers, who would receive charms as coming-of-age gifts marking important life events.

In the 90s, charms appeared again on luxury fashion runways, becoming commonplace at Chanel and Versace, from where they jumped straight into the aughts, when the charm bracelet became a staple of my teenage years and Mariah Carey released an album under that title.

Growing up in the Ruhr Valley as a kid to immigrant parents, my teenybopper journey was aimed towards the designated goal of blending in. Those sweet but sour years were marked by the search for a sense of belonging, a singular journey I was taking by trying to decode the secrets of being a basic teenage girl in opposition to being the girl speaking a weird language, with a weird breakfast and weird eyebrows. Growing up, I hardly had any role models I could look up to, so the only thing I wanted was to be like my immediate surrounding.

One specific item in these years that I craved was the charm bracelet. All the cool girls had them, thereby showcasing their hobbies and personality traits, basically wearing their hearts on their sleeves. My parents’ very Balkan understanding of jewelry was very much either classic gold or nothing, and judging my wish a fading trend, they decided not to spend any money on it. There was nothing but to peer through the jeweler’s shop window while my friends would gleefully dangle their newest acquisitions in my face. Even though it was merely a trend, it somehow underlined my preexisting feeling of being a misfit even more.

Petty girl fights were all over the place – and dare you it was about a man. Instead of putting love into friendships, media and movies proclaim romantic love as the main achievement of our lives. But this perception has changed and is changing.

Recently, I was talking to someone about Taylor Swift and her concerts in my former hometown of Gelsenkirchen. The person was questioning the fascination based on her music, while I was trying to explain her importance as a social phenomenon – one reason being that she put female friendship into the spotlight. She has moved beyond a past in which her songs were based on conservative and patriarchal principles that would look down on women (think “Better Than Revenge”) to her feminist epiphany that arose from the female friendships she got invested in, depicted in the songs on 1989. She got annoyed about how the media would call every guy she was seen with her new affair, so Taylor Swift proclaimed in 2014 that the new romance is friendship. Though she didn’t reinvent the wheel, she made it widely acceptable that the strongest thing you can do in a society that has taught women that they must compete against one another – is to stop competing and join forces.

The evolutionary anthropologist Anna Machin states in her essay “Treasure Them” that the West’s tendency to limit love in its fullness might even endanger our health. Our understanding of love is highly influenced by a standardized hierarchy of love: Parental love at the top, especially between mother and child; followed by romantic love with the inexhaustible search for the one life partner who will always be by your side; and thereafter, immediate family. Friends, when considering love, is a neglected category – which is a big mistake, considering their foundational character as the largest group of our social network. They indeed play a vital position in our health and survival. According to several studies, “the nature of your social network, and the strength and health of relationships within it, is the biggest single factor influencing your health, happiness, and longevity. (Friends) … are your survival.” 

A love that should become more appreciated in written and spoken language. Said friend was also the one who organized the birthday gift for my latest birthday. It was an empty charm bracelet, and throughout the year, I was to get a charm from each friend as a symbol of our connection. She organized this gift to overcome my teenage trauma story, but it also represents the most meaningful love stories that I am involved in and how important each of them is in this period of my life.

For Simone de Beauvoir, the understanding of authentic friendship is based on three key factors: It doesn’t have to be symmetrical; the lines between friendship and love can be blurry and confusing; and friendship is the foundation of all ethical relationships. To her, authentic friendship enables us to liberate ourselves from the confinement of the worlds we grew up in and lets us truly become ourselves.

When I moved to Berlin after finishing school, I had a different perception of friendship than I have now. Due to my upbringing, I was taught that family would always come first and that the love between partners is the most vital love one can have. For my parents, that might have been very true, considering their bond that became stronger by leaving their shared home country together, and that broke up while they were trying to build a life in a completely foreign country.

It was only after I moved from my hometown after graduation that I started to embark on my journey of truly penetrating the meaning of friendship. My first friend that I met in Berlin, the one who organized my birthday present, was crucial to my understanding of friendship.

Palm Tree: It was she who taught me that friends do not judge, even if I’m doing things I am ashamed of. The importance of drawing boundaries, but at the same time opening your home in times of need. (I will never forget how we shared a one-bedroom apartment for two months after my breakup.)

Book: It is she who is opening me to truly seeing and trusting myself, showing me how it is possible to stay true to oneself, even in heavily fluctuating times of change.

Aubergine: It is she who inspires me with her drive, who can let go, and would get me to the top of any mountain.

Sun: It is she who can mirror the conflicting expectations I inflict upon myself.

Sea Star: It is she with whom conversations are as deep as the ocean, immersing in similar worries on our creative and personal journeys.

Potato: It is she with whom I share and shared the most vivid life ticker of our simultaneous life-changing situations.

My friend, who came as a plus 1 to a family wedding instead of a romantic partner. My friend, who I share the grieving and the fighting with.

Me, who taught my friends that I would not leave, even if something disappointing happened. Me, who grants space as much as they need.

Of course, we fight and have disagreements at times, but what we always do is respect each other, celebrate each other, see each other as individuals, and let each other be free.

That friendships are rarely symmetrical, and the sweet spot is where the true beauty happens: When we can let go of our self-importance, which happens in authentic friendships, we can fully become ourselves.

Now when I think about great love stories, I don’t think about romantic love stories as the singular source for that. I look at the random accumulation of objects dangling down my wrist as a constant reminder of the greatest love of all.